8/3/10 04:14 am
Wow. I guess I never really expected it to come to this. At least, not so soon. Yet, at the same time, I'm surprised it's lasted as long as it did. And it sucks because I really do love you, but sometimes I get the feeling thats a one sided part of this relationship. And, yes, I know that's in your nature, that that's just how you act and treat the world, but please, just let me know if you really want to end it now. Please give me some time to wallow before moving back. Because honestly, I don't want you and I to end anytime soon. And I know this is going to be one of the most painful things in my life and I know I'll start again, if not simply as a cry for help. Because god, I'm going to need help when we're over. And I'm using too many commas. And I really wish I know why. And I feel like I'm not going to find anyone else who seemed quite made for me. At least not in this lifetime. Why don't I matter to you? I feel like you care more about how I think about you and less about my feeling sometimes. You're as bipolar as I am and I hate it. Fuck. It's four. And after everything that just happened with us, it's just going to make it worse. I can't stand the shit that's going to go down. I'm trying to imagine it. And everytime, I don't cry. Everytime, I suck it up and be a big girl and tell you I knew it was coming and that I should leave/you should go. Sometimes, I imagine I'll sit in my car and cry outside your apartment afterwards. Sometimes, down by the river. But never in front of you. But that's not how it's going to happen will it? No, you'll finish your dirty deed and I'll break down and tell you how I wish this wasn't happening, how I knew it's was anyways. And I'll cry and get mascara all over your pillows and you'll want to console me, but what are you going to say? So I'll hug your pillow while you sit awkwardly next to me. And then I'll leave. And we'll never speak ever again. Because I couldn't possibly be anything less than what we are now. And trust me babe, we're not much now. Why can't I love someone as they love me? It's always a competition, who loves the other more or whatever. Why can't, for once, I find someone who cares for me, just as much as I care for them. I almost don't want to move back now. These next few months are going to be hell. “I like people too much or not at all. I’ve got to go down deep, to fall into people, to really know them.” —Sylvia Plath. Don't I know it girl, don't I know it.