Log in

this is not ment for you

Recent Entries

3/21/11 08:37 pm

Oh, and now would be the time to smother me. I know usually with me, I need a rediculous amount of space. Today is different. I need a call, or something. Skype, anything. I miss you already. God damn it.

3/21/11 08:09 pm

I don't know what I'm going to do without you. I don't know how I'm going to be able to cope with everything without being able to see you whenever I want. I don't know how our relationship is going to be able to last without being able to see you as often as I do. Granted we already only really see each other for a few days every weekend, I know that every thing's going to change. And I'm not going to be able to handle this at all. I'm going to fuck it up and I already know our relationship is over. Honestly, we might as well end it now because there's no way this is going to work. I wish I could change your mind and convince you that living up there is cool and awesome and that you'll regret moving back down here, but I know as well as you do that not a single word of that is true. Living up there sucks so badly. I hate every single person up there except for you. You are the only reason I can even hang onto the small amount of sanity that I have left. I'm not going to be able to do this. What the fuck am I going to do? I can't fathom how much next year is going to suck. I don't want it to come to that. I can't picture this and that scares me so much. I wish everything was different and that you liked it up there and could stay. I wish. I kindof thought that plan was to go next year, watch me fuck up and not get into the Graphic Design program and then we'd both go to a different school...together. I mean, I knew that wasn't really going to happen. On some level. I think. I think I just wanted everything to go so perfectly and smoothly and then we'd transition into our adult life together. But who the fuck am I kidding? I mean, I could never ask you to suffer living up there for me. And I really don't have another option at this point. I'm stuck there until I have a solid reason for moving. Unless of course I moved back into my parents house but that a) wouldn't solve anything, you'd still be an hour away. b) Jesus christ, I don't what would be worse; living in Sac with all the fuck heads, or living with my little sister who is possibly the spawn of satan. In my humble opinion. I know you don't understand how this could possibly effect me as much as it does, but God, it does. I wish you were here in person so that I could explain. I wish you had just waited to tell me this in person. I wish so many god damn things and I need to JUST STOP WISHING AND STOP FUCKING THINKING. Because life fucking sucks. I don't know why I expected differently. I need some fucking medication. Jesus fucking christ. And a friend. I need a fucking friend.

1/20/11 03:05 pm

What is wrong with me?! Seriously. I've looked everywhere. But what the fuck is my issue. I can't figure it out. I think I might be close. Im sure I some sort of manic depressant. We'll find out. I guess. I should probably go see someone about this. Because I just don't know what to do with my life...

1/17/11 02:31 pm

Theres many times in my life when I just want a hug. I don't want to talk, I just want to hug and be hugged by someone. I want to cry on their shoulder and just have them be okay with it. Then I want it to be forgotten. I wish I had a friend like that. I wish I had someone. I am so god damn lonely. All the time.

12/3/10 03:53 pm - I hate...

Don't you hate when you overhear some of your close friends, if not your only friends, talk badly about you behind your back? And you can't really say anything about it. I mean, it's not like I was eavesdropping. I couldn't sleep, and you guys were drunkenly yelling in the kitchen. But still. I can't be around you. I feel like everything I do pisses you off now. I can't seem to figure out why. I've just totally given up on having friends. These people expect me to please everyone. Not just them. If I'm not overly nice to other people too, then I'm the bitch. And I still can't figure out why I'm the bitch. And I hate it. I hate it so much.

It seems like every good thing I've done is looked over, completely ignored and everyone focuses on the one bad thing I've done. I spent $43 dollars on beer for my friends and I didn't even drink a SINGLE one and I didn't bitch or complain once. But then I get upset because they keep opening new sponges to clean every little surface. You don't need a new sponge every time you clean the stove top. Yes, thank you for cleaning the stove top, but can't you understand why I'm upset there? No. Somehow, I'm still the bad guy. And I'm so glad they said thank you for the beer. Because they did...not. Maybe I just conveniently forgot that. Naw, don't think so. Oh, and this isn't the first time I've bought the majority of alcohol. One time, I chipped in $40...you chipped in $7. Fuck you.

I spent a ridiculous amount of time and money and effort to make a great birthday party for you. I didn't get a single thank you, thanks, or anything. And on top of that, it's not like any of you did ANYTHING for my birthday. I barely got a Happy Birthday! from any of you. Oh wait that's right, we went to birthday dinner which I had to organize about a week after my birthday and then had to pay for my own meal. And on top of that, you all complained about going and spending more than $5 on a good meal. I'm sorry, I thought I was good enough for at least a dinner of substance. I'm just going to give up on expecting anything from any of you. I've tried to be a good friend, but no matter what, you just don't care. You just don't give a shit. Just fuck this. One day I'll fit in, but it is not with any of you dicks.

8/3/10 04:14 am

Wow. I guess I never really expected it to come to this. At least, not so soon. Yet, at the same time, I'm surprised it's lasted as long as it did. And it sucks because I really do love you, but sometimes I get the feeling thats a one sided part of this relationship. And, yes, I know that's in your nature, that that's just how you act and treat the world, but please, just let me know if you really want to end it now. Please give me some time to wallow before moving back. Because honestly, I don't want you and I to end anytime soon. And I know this is going to be one of the most painful things in my life and I know I'll start again, if not simply as a cry for help. Because god, I'm going to need help when we're over. And I'm using too many commas. And I really wish I know why. And I feel like I'm not going to find anyone else who seemed quite made for me. At least not in this lifetime. Why don't I matter to you? I feel like you care more about how I think about you and less about my feeling sometimes. You're as bipolar as I am and I hate it. Fuck. It's four. And after everything that just happened with us, it's just going to make it worse. I can't stand the shit that's going to go down. I'm trying to imagine it. And everytime, I don't cry. Everytime, I suck it up and be a big girl and tell you I knew it was coming and that I should leave/you should go. Sometimes, I imagine I'll sit in my car and cry outside your apartment afterwards. Sometimes, down by the river. But never in front of you. But that's not how it's going to happen will it? No, you'll finish your dirty deed and I'll break down and tell you how I wish this wasn't happening, how I knew it's was anyways. And I'll cry and get mascara all over your pillows and you'll want to console me, but what are you going to say? So I'll hug your pillow while you sit awkwardly next to me. And then I'll leave. And we'll never speak ever again. Because I couldn't possibly be anything less than what we are now. And trust me babe, we're not much now. Why can't I love someone as they love me? It's always a competition, who loves the other more or whatever. Why can't, for once, I find someone who cares for me, just as much as I care for them. I almost don't want to move back now. These next few months are going to be hell. “I like people too much or not at all. I’ve got to go down deep, to fall into people, to really know them.” —Sylvia Plath. Don't I know it girl, don't I know it.

7/8/10 11:27 am

i just want someone to talk to. i NEED someone who would listen. i need a hug. i need someone who wouldn't judge me and who would just be here. i just need someone here. right now. god i fucking hate this. wow. damn. that was literally all i needed. one text and i feel like everythings better. well, not everything. but itll be okay. thanks fr being here for me even when i do stupid things like this and then beg for attention. sorta. thanks.

5/11/10 07:38 pm

im doing it again. this intense overthinking thing. i want to talk to you, but i dont want to be annoying, so i gave up. i wish i knew more about what kindof person you were before school. i wish i knew more about you. i mean, you have a ton of stories and i think youre incredibly interesting, but i dont really know you that much. today has just sucked honestly. i mean, i feel like no matter what i did, something was wrong. everything is just wrong. of course, i want to see you again, but i feel like youve just basically given up on me. not given up, but seen too much of me today. its shitty because i realized last night that we're not going to last as long as i want us to. i mean, i doubt if we'll be together by december of 10. granted thats a pretty long time for most people, but thats kittens play for me, and i really wanted us to last much longer. through college perhaps. you could be my college boyfriend. you know? guh. i swear, i just upset myself. because im stupid. i really just need to stop being so retarded. honestly. i dont know why i can never fully believe you. i thought i had worked through these trust issues. but somehow, here they are again. beating me up. and making me cry. actually, the eyedrops probably have more to do with that. but either way, their not helping things. i wish that everything was just layed out for you. i wish i knew what was coming next. i wish i knew what you were thinking. i wish that i wasnt such a paranoid freak. checking my phone again. ugh. i wish this madness could stop. i hate that i know alcohol will always win over me. unless you think im upset with you. i hate that you always check you phone five times. wether theres something there or not, you check it. then tell me you love me, then heck your phone. whats more important here babe? last night for heavens sake, you just checked you phone. over and over and over again. no matter what we were doing or talking about, your phone was right there. and that bothered me. when i left for a minute yesterday and came back to you on my computer, id almost hoped that you had curiously found this and read it and know kindof what iam thinking, but lets be honest, you couldnt care less. text me when you want. ill always be here for you. which is pathetic. but i cant help it, im stupid. let me be frank, i wish that i felt good enough for you.

4/10/10 09:34 pm

im not feeling myself today. its like, im just sad. nothing sad has really happened, im just sad and over-thinking every little move again. i know i do that normally, but it seems to be worse when im sad. i wish i could see you right now. and i wish that we could just be together and hangout and all of that jazz. i just like being in your presence. its sucks though because its back to where i feel like you dont reciprocate my feelings. but you apparently do, but you suck at showing it. you suck balls at showing it. and i hate it. so much. cause you literally make me feel like shit. like right now. everyone else is bring their girls to dannys tonight. cristinas there, vanessas there, mariah will probably even show up. and then theres me. you didnt even tell me, yet invite me to dannys. most would assume that its cause the boys dont like me or whatevs, but sometimes i get the feeling they like me more than you like me. countless times conner or danny or nick will invite me to things, tell me about things and you just dont. like you dont want me there. worst was that one night when conner invited me and i said that id love to go, then you kept saying "you know you really dont have to go. its not a big deal if you dont" blah bah mother fucking blah. so i didnt go, obviously you didnt want me there. and the next day you just kept talking about shit mariah said and all of this crap and its like, dud, wtf? im just so god damn upset right now. and i really wish my neighbors would stop fucking like their filming a porn over there. and why dont you ever want to take pictures with me? everytime theres a camera around you almost hide. you look down at the floor so its the top of your head, you just hide. and thats fine. some people just dont like pictures. but you got a fuck ton of pictures with her. and honestly, ive never wished i was someone else so badly in my life. its just, guh. its crappy. like really, fuck you. you should never be with someone who makes you feel like your not the best as yourself. like someone else is better. yeah, fuck you.

3/31/10 11:38 pm

what the fuck was i thinking?! why did i even think that would turn out well? i havent felt this way in such a long time and that was stupid, and i fucked up, and wow. just wow. have you ever just thought about your life and wanted to throw up? just looked at yourself as a person and just felt sick? ive never been jealous like this. ive never been upset like this. ive never wanted to be someone else like this in such a long time. ive never wanted to do something so stupid. i just wish that we both werent so closed up. im so afraid of everything. why am i so jumpy? and curious? why cant i just accept things as how they are? why did i have to search? god damn. i fucked up. fucked up babe. i just wish that you felt the same way about me. thats all. i havent felt like so much less of a human than right now. i keep trying to remind myself that we are thinking the exact same thing, but that sliver of doubt has been expanding and now, its taking over. that wasnt good for me. im dumb. sometimes i wonder if i should have kept you around. you were a good gardner. constant love and attention. i thought it was too much, but now god damn, i feel so alone. and of course tomarrow, christine and red are leaving. ill be alone for the next two days. all i need right now is a hug and a kiss and someone to tell me im beautiful. i hate when my nose runs, it hurts. why do i keep doing this to myself? fuck. ill just keep typing. no one reads this, so i think im safe. unless you're still reading, in which case, hi, if you want to know about my life, id love to talk to you. ill try and be as honest as possible. and truthfully. youre not going to like what you hear. and i guess im writing all this because i know youve stopped reading. youre sixth sense is probably gone. why am i always second? how come i can never come first? how come i will never win? ever. ill never be number one to my number one. i wish that i didnt do this. where the hell this this mood come from?! what is this suicidal mess ive gotten myself into? i hate my nose. i mean, im not going to like, for the most part, i do think im pretty. but dude, my nose is the most disgusting thing ive seen in such a long time. its huge. like, what the fuck is that? and my arms. hairy as fuck. as well as i play it off when someone says something about them, it hurts, it hurts so much. id shave them, but erin does. and basically, my worst fear is to become my sister. speaking of fat, jesus ive gained so much weight. my relatively small love handles have grown like cancerous tumors. its horrid. i wish i had talent. i wish i could do something better than everyone else. i wish that it was recognised and accepted and that i didnt feel nervous about it. im so scared. i dont know what to do with my life. i just dont know what to do. wow. ive never looked at life like this. im mean, i just never wanted to be someone, something, somewhere else so badly. this place is just bad. i feel like its haunted, and possesses me everytime i come home. god summer at home is going to literally kill me.
Powered by LiveJournal.com